Marriage Difficulties
Chapter 1
When Someone Irritates Us
Whenever a person does something that irritates us, we have
judged them. That is what the irritation is telling us. The upset says
that we have planted a “bitter root” (Hebrews 12:15) inside us. That
“bitter root” will stay there and grow until we remove it. We need to
remove the “bitter root” even if what they have done to us may have
been inappropriate or wrong.
In other words, we now have a problem - inside of us. The problem
is now ours.
How does one remove a “bitter root?”
Pray!
To remove a "bitter root", we need the Lord to do it.
If you do this, the angry feeling will disappear and will be replaced
by a feeling of peace and rest.
Try it!
Right now would be a good time to think of a recent event, and then
to forgive and be forgiven.
Do This Continually
Because these situations that irritate us come along frequently in
life (and not only in reaction to our spouse), we need to do this
every time. That way the backlog never accumulates.
I know people who put pennies into a jar every time they have some
in their pocket. It is astonishing how quickly the jar fills up, and it
becomes hard to carry. “Bitter roots” are just like that also.
Accumulate a few a day, and pretty soon they are hard to carry.
This is the short course: every time your spouse irritates you,
forgive them (not to their face, but to the Lord). You will be amazed
at how often you become irritated, but you will also be amazed at
how forgiving every time makes a difference in you.
There Is No Other Way!
This is the only path to long term peace and harmony in your
marriage. Jesus died to make it possible.
all people, it is most surely applicable to the marriage relationship;
which is the most important human relationship we have.
Of course, since a marriage is a two way street. If there is to be
peace and harmony in your marriage, your spouse needs to be
doing the same towards you. Because it should be no surprise that
you also do things that irritate them.
My Approach to Marriage Counseling
My observation is that healthy people have healthy, loving
marriages, and wounded people have difficult marriages. Therefore,
the only way to have a healthy marriage is for the husband to work
with the Lord on his own healing, and the wife to work with the Lord
on her own healing. Then, as they both become progressively more
and more healthy, their marriage gets better and better.
There is no other way that really works!
My first mentors, John and Paula Sandford, have a saying that is
amazingly true. They say that our spouse is divinely designed to
grind on us. In other words, the Lord wants each of us healed.
Therefore He puts us in a situation that brings up our areas of
wounding so that we can see them and forgive and be forgiven. He
gives us a spouse that fits perfectly to stir up those old hurts.
We can either work through it now, in our current marriage, or we
can get divorced and remarry and work through it then. That is why
when a person remarries, they inevitably marry somebody else who
grinds on them.
Count on it!
So, wisdom is to work through it is your current marriage; because
you can't escape from your own wounds; and the Lord is
determined to have you healed.
Find Out More
To learn more about why it is the way I have described, and to find
out how to truly forgive, read Chapters 2, 3, 4. and 5 posted here on
this website, on the left side of the pages.
More On Forgiving
For much more on "forgiving", read Chapter 5 of "I Will Give You
Rest" by Edward Kurath.
Below is an experience of my own which illustrates the miracle that
happens when we forgive and are forgiven by the Lord.
Forgiving Is Miraculous
My "Dog Story"
I am a jogger, and I live on the side of a mountain. In the winter it is
icy, and I can't run here; because I will fall and break something.
Therefore I drive 4 miles to town. There is a street that is about 1 1/2
miles out and 1 1/2 miles back that is plowed and sanded and does
not have much traffic. That is my running track in the winter.
One day a few years ago I was almost at the far end of the run when
two mid-sized dogs ran out after me. I have learned that you don't
run from dogs, so I turned on them and I shouted,
"Hey, you get back there."
They skidded to a stop. The owner was a woman who was standing
on the sidewalk. She said,
"Hey, don't talk to my dogs like that."
I said,
"Lady, you have to be kidding me. We are in town, there is a leash
law here. Your dogs shouldn't be here in the street."
She called her dogs and went inside.
As I continued my run, I was very upset.
I thought, "This is the only convenient place I have to run, and I'm
not going to let them spoil that. What will I do about it? I know
what. I have a foot long steel bar in my garage. I'll carry that. Then
when they come out, I'll take care of them."
Then I thought again. It wasn't really the dogs' fault, and I'd
probably get in trouble if I hurt them. Then what can I do instead?
"I know what I'll do," I thought. "I'll carry my cell phone. Then when
they come out after me, I'll grab one of them by the collar and call
the dog warden. Then she'll get a ticket, and that should fix her."
I finished my run, drove home, took a shower, and went to my
office. As I sat down, I was still chewing over this situation. As I
grumbled over it, I got the distinct impression that the Lord was
tapping me on the shoulder. I knew what He wanted: He wanted me
to forgive the woman. I didn't want to forgive her, and argued with
the Lord.
"But she was so thoughtless. She had no right to let her dogs
loose, etc, etc, etc."
Eventually I realized I was going to lose the argument. I reluctantly
agreed to forgive her, though I still didn't want to. I was right, and
she was wrong.
Initially as I prayed it was pretty mechanical and wooden.
However, as I prayed, gradually I calmed down; and the forgiveness
became more real. I forgave her, asked the Lord to forgive me for
judging her. I asked Him to take out the bitter root I had just planted,
to cleanse that place, and to fill it with His Holy Spirit.
As I prayed, I began to recognize that she had a permanent scowl
on her face. It also occurred to me that a healthy person would have
said something like,
"I'm sorry, sir. Are you alright? Did my dogs scare you?"
I realized that she was a wounded and unhappy person. I felt
compassion for her, and I began to pray for her. I suspected that
she might not know the Lord, and I began to pray for her salvation.
Suddenly it was as though I was struck by lightning. The change in
my mindset was stark. I realized that I was now seeing her the way
the Lord sees her. I wasn't praying for her salvation because it was
the "Christian thing to do." I was praying for her because I saw her
pain and neediness.
I realized that a miracle had occurred!
Before I prayed, I was a bit nuts. I was on the throne, she was
wrong, and I was sure I was right. I was in the mind of the "flesh."
Bad fruit (my plans to make her pay) was coming from that bad root.
After I prayed, I saw her neediness and wounding. I was now seeing
her as Christ saw her. I now had the mind of Christ. Jesus was now
in me where the bitter root had previously been planted, and that
new good root was producing good fruit (my compassion for her). I
wasn't trying to see her with eyes of compassion. I simply did.
When we forgive and Jesus forgives us, a miracle occurs. It is not
something we can accomplish on our own. We can repress our
anger, or try to be nice; but we can't change what is inside us. Only
the blood of Jesus can accomplish that change. And He does it! He
came and died and rose again to make this possible.
If what you have been reading makes sense to you, then to
actually take this journey out of discord and into peace,
you need the whole story.
My book, "I Will Give You Rest" gives you the whole story,
including the scriptures revealing how Jesus and you can
do this.
He came to give us life here and now, not just in the life to
come.
Click here to see how to buy the book.
Chapter 1
When Someone Irritates Us
Whenever a person does something that irritates us, we have
judged them. That is what the irritation is telling us. The upset says
that we have planted a “bitter root” (Hebrews 12:15) inside us. That
“bitter root” will stay there and grow until we remove it. We need to
remove the “bitter root” even if what they have done to us may have
been inappropriate or wrong.
In other words, we now have a problem - inside of us. The problem
is now ours.
How does one remove a “bitter root?”
Pray!
To remove a "bitter root", we need the Lord to do it.
- We get with the Lord about the situation.
- We forgive our spouse.
- We then ask the Lord to forgive us for judging our spouse, to
take out the “bitter root,” and to fill that place in us with His
presence.
If you do this, the angry feeling will disappear and will be replaced
by a feeling of peace and rest.
Try it!
Right now would be a good time to think of a recent event, and then
to forgive and be forgiven.
Do This Continually
Because these situations that irritate us come along frequently in
life (and not only in reaction to our spouse), we need to do this
every time. That way the backlog never accumulates.
I know people who put pennies into a jar every time they have some
in their pocket. It is astonishing how quickly the jar fills up, and it
becomes hard to carry. “Bitter roots” are just like that also.
Accumulate a few a day, and pretty soon they are hard to carry.
This is the short course: every time your spouse irritates you,
forgive them (not to their face, but to the Lord). You will be amazed
at how often you become irritated, but you will also be amazed at
how forgiving every time makes a difference in you.
There Is No Other Way!
This is the only path to long term peace and harmony in your
marriage. Jesus died to make it possible.
- "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be
put away from you with all malice. And be kind to one another,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ
forgave you" (Ephesians 4:31-31).
all people, it is most surely applicable to the marriage relationship;
which is the most important human relationship we have.
Of course, since a marriage is a two way street. If there is to be
peace and harmony in your marriage, your spouse needs to be
doing the same towards you. Because it should be no surprise that
you also do things that irritate them.
My Approach to Marriage Counseling
My observation is that healthy people have healthy, loving
marriages, and wounded people have difficult marriages. Therefore,
the only way to have a healthy marriage is for the husband to work
with the Lord on his own healing, and the wife to work with the Lord
on her own healing. Then, as they both become progressively more
and more healthy, their marriage gets better and better.
There is no other way that really works!
My first mentors, John and Paula Sandford, have a saying that is
amazingly true. They say that our spouse is divinely designed to
grind on us. In other words, the Lord wants each of us healed.
Therefore He puts us in a situation that brings up our areas of
wounding so that we can see them and forgive and be forgiven. He
gives us a spouse that fits perfectly to stir up those old hurts.
We can either work through it now, in our current marriage, or we
can get divorced and remarry and work through it then. That is why
when a person remarries, they inevitably marry somebody else who
grinds on them.
Count on it!
So, wisdom is to work through it is your current marriage; because
you can't escape from your own wounds; and the Lord is
determined to have you healed.
Find Out More
To learn more about why it is the way I have described, and to find
out how to truly forgive, read Chapters 2, 3, 4. and 5 posted here on
this website, on the left side of the pages.
More On Forgiving
For much more on "forgiving", read Chapter 5 of "I Will Give You
Rest" by Edward Kurath.
Below is an experience of my own which illustrates the miracle that
happens when we forgive and are forgiven by the Lord.
Forgiving Is Miraculous
My "Dog Story"
I am a jogger, and I live on the side of a mountain. In the winter it is
icy, and I can't run here; because I will fall and break something.
Therefore I drive 4 miles to town. There is a street that is about 1 1/2
miles out and 1 1/2 miles back that is plowed and sanded and does
not have much traffic. That is my running track in the winter.
One day a few years ago I was almost at the far end of the run when
two mid-sized dogs ran out after me. I have learned that you don't
run from dogs, so I turned on them and I shouted,
"Hey, you get back there."
They skidded to a stop. The owner was a woman who was standing
on the sidewalk. She said,
"Hey, don't talk to my dogs like that."
I said,
"Lady, you have to be kidding me. We are in town, there is a leash
law here. Your dogs shouldn't be here in the street."
She called her dogs and went inside.
As I continued my run, I was very upset.
I thought, "This is the only convenient place I have to run, and I'm
not going to let them spoil that. What will I do about it? I know
what. I have a foot long steel bar in my garage. I'll carry that. Then
when they come out, I'll take care of them."
Then I thought again. It wasn't really the dogs' fault, and I'd
probably get in trouble if I hurt them. Then what can I do instead?
"I know what I'll do," I thought. "I'll carry my cell phone. Then when
they come out after me, I'll grab one of them by the collar and call
the dog warden. Then she'll get a ticket, and that should fix her."
I finished my run, drove home, took a shower, and went to my
office. As I sat down, I was still chewing over this situation. As I
grumbled over it, I got the distinct impression that the Lord was
tapping me on the shoulder. I knew what He wanted: He wanted me
to forgive the woman. I didn't want to forgive her, and argued with
the Lord.
"But she was so thoughtless. She had no right to let her dogs
loose, etc, etc, etc."
Eventually I realized I was going to lose the argument. I reluctantly
agreed to forgive her, though I still didn't want to. I was right, and
she was wrong.
Initially as I prayed it was pretty mechanical and wooden.
However, as I prayed, gradually I calmed down; and the forgiveness
became more real. I forgave her, asked the Lord to forgive me for
judging her. I asked Him to take out the bitter root I had just planted,
to cleanse that place, and to fill it with His Holy Spirit.
As I prayed, I began to recognize that she had a permanent scowl
on her face. It also occurred to me that a healthy person would have
said something like,
"I'm sorry, sir. Are you alright? Did my dogs scare you?"
I realized that she was a wounded and unhappy person. I felt
compassion for her, and I began to pray for her. I suspected that
she might not know the Lord, and I began to pray for her salvation.
Suddenly it was as though I was struck by lightning. The change in
my mindset was stark. I realized that I was now seeing her the way
the Lord sees her. I wasn't praying for her salvation because it was
the "Christian thing to do." I was praying for her because I saw her
pain and neediness.
I realized that a miracle had occurred!
Before I prayed, I was a bit nuts. I was on the throne, she was
wrong, and I was sure I was right. I was in the mind of the "flesh."
Bad fruit (my plans to make her pay) was coming from that bad root.
After I prayed, I saw her neediness and wounding. I was now seeing
her as Christ saw her. I now had the mind of Christ. Jesus was now
in me where the bitter root had previously been planted, and that
new good root was producing good fruit (my compassion for her). I
wasn't trying to see her with eyes of compassion. I simply did.
When we forgive and Jesus forgives us, a miracle occurs. It is not
something we can accomplish on our own. We can repress our
anger, or try to be nice; but we can't change what is inside us. Only
the blood of Jesus can accomplish that change. And He does it! He
came and died and rose again to make this possible.
If what you have been reading makes sense to you, then to
actually take this journey out of discord and into peace,
you need the whole story.
My book, "I Will Give You Rest" gives you the whole story,
including the scriptures revealing how Jesus and you can
do this.
He came to give us life here and now, not just in the life to
come.
Click here to see how to buy the book.
Divinely Designed
Being changed into the image of Jesus
A miracle can happen to you, like the transformation that
happens when a worm is transformed into a butterfly
(2 Corinthians 3:18).
Being changed into the image of Jesus
A miracle can happen to you, like the transformation that
happens when a worm is transformed into a butterfly
(2 Corinthians 3:18).
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