Chapter 11
Emotions
Depression
Depression is without a doubt one of the most frightening and
painful emotions a person can experience. It is so overwhelming
because it is a signal telling you that there is a major wound
inside you that needs healing.
The difficulty usually is that you have no idea what that wound
could be. You may not even be aware that anything traumatic
has happened to you in the past.
But rest assured that the awful feelings are telling you the truth.
Contrary to what many believe, emotions are not random or
meaningless. They are a God given signal system that tells us
exactly what is going on inside us. Our problem is that nobody
taught us how to understand the language of the signal system.
My parents didn't have a clue about emotions. Their way of
handling them was to avoid them as much as possible. To them
emotions were considered to be intrusive and bothersome, and
the idea was to ignore them.
Consequently, I have had to learn the "language" as an adult.
A special note: Since I have taken you directly to
Chapter 11 of my book, "I Will Give You Rest,"
bypassing Chapters 2 through 10, in this chapter you
may encounter some concepts or terms that were
discussed in the prior chapters. However, this should
not inhibit the following information from being
meaningful to you.
How We Cope
We all have developed ways of dealing with our negative
emotions by trial and error. We try something and it brings a bit
of relief, so we add that to our repertoire as a way to deal with
such unpleasant moments in the future.
Still, for most of us our emotions are a bit mysterious, and we
don't know what to do with them. Likely we have only been
modestly successful in dealing with them.
One Way Is To Ignore Them
As a child I learned to avoid my negative emotions if at all
possible. My experience is not unusual, because our culture
(and unfortunately some of the Church) say that our emotions
are unreliable. Regardless of how we try to ignore them, they
persist. They come and go in a seemingly mysterious way, in a
way that we do not find ourselves able to adequately control.
Negative emotions are a "problem" we all share.
What Are Emotions?
Are emotions simply random? Are they unpredictable? Did God
make a mistake when He gave them to us? Or were they useful
before Adam and Eve sinned but are now corrupted by The
Fall? Are some of them “bad?" Is it a sin to feel selfish? Is it a
sin to feel jealous? Is it a sin to feel angry?
I have a burglar alarm in my home. On a couple of occasions I
have accidentally set if off, and the sound the loud speaker made
was ear splitting. The pain was unbearable. I had to do
something right away to escape the pain. So I plugged my ears
with my fingers and went to the keypad and entered the code.
Then the alarm immediately stopped, so the pain stopped.
Ways To Stop The Pain
But what would I do if I didn’t know the code? My fingers in my
ears were only mildly successful in reducing the pain, so I would
have to do something else. I could leave and wait outside until
the noise stopped (and the police came). Or I could find the
loudspeaker and cover it over with something. That would likely
not work any better than covering my ears. Better yet, I could cut
the wire to the loud speaker. That would stop the noise.
The purpose of the alarm was to make known an intrusion into
my house. If the alarm had been set off by a burglar instead of by
me, that would be important information. If a burglar entered and
I did not have an alarm, something really bad might happen.
The Pain Has A Purpose
The burglar alarm was purposely designed to be impossible to
ignore, because it is important that the "intrusion" stop. The
neighbors and the police need to be alerted, and the intruder
needs to know they have been discovered so they will stop
doing their dirty work.
Our negative emotions are like that. Some of our emotions are
“ear-splittingly” hurtful, because they are giving us very
important information that we must not ignore. For instance,
when you are in front of a group of people and you tell a joke and
nobody laughs, you may feel a strong rush of shame, and your
face may turn red.
Or suppose a large dog rushes towards you, growling and
showing its teeth. You will likely feel a large surge of fear go
through you. Fortunately not all our negative emotions are that
severe. God designed them to be proportional to the bad news
they are giving us.
Pleasant Emotions
You also have pleasant emotions which were given to you so
that you would be attracted to whatever is making you feel
good. What makes you feel good are the things that fulfill the
many needs you have, such as the need for love, affirmation,
sex, etc.
"Feelings" and "Emotions"
We receive various signals from our Treasure Inside to our
Head. Some of these signals relate to the physical status of our
body, and some of them relate to our psychological/spiritual
status.
When I use the term "feelings," I am including both categories.
When I use the term "physical sensations" I am referring to the
physical signals, and when I use the term "emotions" I am
referring to the psychological/spiritual signals.
"Emotions" can be telling us about unmet psychological needs
("I need a hug"), or the presence of a root of sin, usually a Bitter
Root Judgment.
"Physical sensations" and "emotions have a great deal in
common, and the purpose of all of our "feelings" is to make us
consciously aware of something that is going on below our level
of consciousness. Most of us do not have difficulty
understanding our "physical sensations (for instance I am
thirsty, or my feet hurt), but our problems tend to relate to
misunderstanding our "emotions."
Because of the similarities between "physical sensations" and
"emotions," I will often use parallels between them to clarify a
point I am making about "emotions."
Feelings Are Indispensible
If God had not given your "feelings" to you, you would not have
any way of knowing the status of what is going on inside of you.
You would not know what your needs are, and so you would
have no way of fulfilling them. If you did not feel thirst, you
would not drink something, and then you would die.
Our Attempts At Bringing Peace
As a child I knew what to do when I had a physical need. When I
was thirsty, I got a drink. However, I didn't now the “code” to
turn off the emotional pain. When strong negative emotions
came to me I had to find a way to reduce the pain. It was as if I
started out by "plugging my ears" (I tried to ignore the
message).
Since that was only modestly helpful, I searched for a more
effective means. I could not "leave," because the noise was in
me. So eventually I "cut the wire" (I made an Inner Vow not to
hear), and then the pain stopped.
Unfortunately, then the "intrusion" (the cause of the emotional
pain) had not been fixed, and so the "burglar" had not been dealt
with. Cutting the wire, or anything else I would do to reduce my
sensitivity to my negative emotions, had bad side effects. Not
hearing the alarm going off, I would not know when a "burglar"
came inside and was doing his destructive work.
An Illustration
"Physical Sensations," since they are messages from the
Treasure Inside, can illustrate the extreme consequences that
can come from not physical pain.
When I was a boy I had a friend whose father had experienced a
stroke, and he had lost the feeling on one side of his body. One
day my friend and his father and I were standing in their
basement and we smelled something burning. It was his father’s
hand! He was leaning against the furnace.
Since he could not feel the heat, he did not withdraw his hand,
and he was badly burned. The physical pain that I feel when I
touch something hot is my friend, because it motivates me to
stop the pain. I quickly remove my hand from the hot surface,
and thus I limit the damage to my body. Physical pain is my
friend.
Emotional Pain Is My Friend
My emotional pain is just like that. Bad things happen when I
can no longer clearly hear my negative emotions, because I have
built The Wall inside. Then, when something bad would happen
inside, I would not know about it. Using my metaphor, because I
do not know the "burglar" is there, he is free to do his damaging
work inside. I would not know about his presence until there
had been so much damage that I could no longer ignore it.
Unmet Needs Accumulate
Tom had daily frustrations with his boss. His boss always talked
down to him and made him feel small. Tom had not had a raise
in years, and yet the boss would give him so much to do that he
would have to take work home at night.
But Tom did not know when he was angry because he had built
The Wall, and he did not feel these moments of anger. His heart
was filling up with bitterness, but he was not aware of it. After he
would get home from work, his wife would do some little thing
that irritated him, and he would explode with anger at her.
She did not just receive Tom's reaction to what she just did, but
she also received the entire load that had been building up
inside Tom towards his boss. It was like an avalanche. One
small disturbance was the trigger, and all the "snow" that had
accumulated came surging down in one deluge and buried her.
Ski areas understand avalanches. They know that if they can
keep the snow from accumulating on the mountain slopes above
them they can prevent an avalanche. So they regularly set off
small explosive charges in the snow to bring down small snow
slides that are harmless. In this way they prevent huge buildups
of snow that would inevitably come down in a devastating rush.
Don't Allow Them To Accumulate
In the same way, Tom needed to listen to, and learn to recognize,
every surge of anger that he felt. Then he could pray about it
immediately and avoid the "accumulation" that would otherwise
eventually (and inevitably) come out as outbursts of rage.
If there is not an "accumulation" inside him, when people irritate
him they only receive the reaction that relates to that single
transgression, not his pent up reactions to all the other
accumulated hurts inside him.
We Are Needy
We are needy creatures. God made us that way. We need love,
we need water, we need sleep, we need exercise, etc.
There is nothing "selfish" about getting our legitimate needs met
in a legitimate way. When our legitimate needs are not met, we
are "hungry" and settle for meeting our needs in any way we
can, perhaps including "illegitimate" ways, or groveling for
whatever "crumbs" we can find.
For example, at this moment if I were to hand you a dirty, smelly
glass of water, you would likely say, "No thank you," because
you aren't that thirsty. However, if you had been wandering in
the Sahara Desert for three days with no water, and then I offered
you the dirty glass of water, you would eagerly snatch it from me
and instantly consume it. Why? You would drink it because
your need had become so great.
That is what happens when we deny our legitimate needs (or
perhaps are unaware of them because we have ignored them for
so long). We become so empty inside that we are driven to
accept inappropriate substitutes to stop the screams coming up
from inside us.
The "Code"
To appropriately end the turmoil of our negative emotions, we
need to know how God intended for us to eliminate the pain,
rather than to cover it up. He intended for us to eliminate the
pain by addressing the cause of the pain.
When we have a toothache, we can take a pain killer, or we can
have the tooth fixed. When the tooth is "fixed," the pain stops.
Remember that emotional pain relates either to unmet
psychological needs or to roots of sin that exist inside.
Eliminating Emotional Pain
There are therefore two things we need to know about
eliminating our emotional pain.
especially regarding the roots of sin. But it is possible to learn
how do both, and therefore, it is possible to eliminate the cause
of our emotional pain so that the pain will stop.
Understanding The Language Of
Our Emotions
God gave us our "emotions," and He intended for them to be
useful to us. It is therefore possible to learn this mysterious
language that our Treasure Inside speaks to us. In later chapters
I will go into more detail about learning this language, but here I
want to point out a few important characteristics of our
"emotions."
Eliminating The Cause Of The Pain
Therefore, if there is a Bitter Root Judgment planted inside us,
our negative emotions are our friend telling us about this
problem. What do we do in response to the negative emotion
(the "alarm" going off)? We need to key in the "code."
When the cause of the alarm is sin, there is only one "code" that
works. The "code" that God has provided is the provision for
the washing away of our sin through the forgiveness provided
by the sacrifice of Jesus.
This Way Works
This "code" works. When we forgive and are forgiven, the
negative emotion stops. It stops because the wound that the
pain was warning us about has been healed. The sin has been
washed away, and Jesus has come into that place in our heart.
The "burglar" is now gone. Jesus' provision truly is Good News!
When I was angry with the other driver who didn't go through the
green light, I had judged him. I needed to take care of that as
soon as I could, immediately if possible. That way I could catch
the "burglar" before he had a chance to do any damage.
My Emotions Are My Guide
After I pray, if I still find myself agitated, especially if my anger is
extreme and is contaminating my day, I need to look for a long
buried root of sin. Perhaps I had judged my parents for never
paying attention to my needs.
Even worse, perhaps I judged myself as being unworthy to have
my needs met by others; and therefore it is left up to me to take
care of myself.
Certainly, it is true that the other driver was not sensitive to my
needs, and it was his behavior that touched that wound deep
inside me. But it wasn't what he did that was the problem.
What planted the bitter root was my reaction to what he did.
Feeling the emotion gives me an opportunity to face what I did
and thus to be set free from the consequences of the bitter root.
It Is Complicated,
And Yet Simple
The code to my home burglar alarm is simple, but this “code” to
end my negative emotions appropriately is complex. It is
complex because many of the old roots of bitterness are deeply
buried and I have forgotten about them. I cannot remember
many of them myself. It is therefore too complex for me to
understand.
But it is not too complicated for Jesus, and He will lead me in this
process of finding the bitter roots and being healed. I may also
need another person to walk through this with me, such as a
trusted friend, or a counselor.
I Need To Listen Inside
I also need to listen to my Treasure Inside, who is telling me what
is wrong inside.
Ideally, teaching me how to listen to my emotion and to then pray
was the job assigned to my parents. In my own childhood, my
parents were as ignorant about this as I, so there was no way for
them to teach me. In fact, they did the opposite of facilitating my
ability to hear my Treasure Inside.
They wounded me and I built The Wall, which reduced my innate
ability to hear my emotions. Unfortunately, many parents are
unable to mentor their children in order to help them hear what is
going on in the Treasure Inside them.
It Is Never Too Late
If this is true of you, now as an adult you need to have The Wall
dismantled, and then to learn what your parents should have
taught you when you were very young --- how to understand the
valuable friend you have in your Treasure Inside. It is never too
late.
When I first realized how shut down I had been inside, I
questioned the Lord, "Why didn't I know this earlier?" I felt bitter
because I had to suffer for many years before I became aware of
the truth. But then I realized how blessed I was. Many people
never learn about the "code," and they suffer for their whole life.
We are blessed to know this now.
Are “Bad” Emotions Sin?
Many of us have been taught that "bad" emotions are sin. For
instance we may have been taught that it is a sin to feel jealous.
However, it should now be clear to you that it is not a sin to feel
jealous. There is nothing wrong with that emotion, and so we do
not need to repent of feeling jealous. The emotion is simply the
message system. There is a sin present, but the sin is not the
feeling.
The Negative Emotion Guides Me
There is a root of bitterness inside us (planted by a sinful
reaction of judging), and we need to know about the presence of
this bitter root.
that. This may sound like hair splitting, but there is a profound
difference between the feeling and the root.
The bitter root of sin exists, and the feeling is just the signal
telling us about the root. The signal is not sin, but rather it is just
our faithful messenger, our helper, and our friend.
Killing The Messenger
In ancient times, when a messenger brought bad news, the king
had the messenger killed. Of course, the problem wasn't the
messenger or the message he carried. The messenger was
simply a mechanism for informing the king of what was going on
elsewhere.
When something bad was happening elsewhere, the news was
bad. We now look at the king's response and see how ridiculous
that is. And yet that is exactly what we have done if we have
shut off our emotions because they are "bad."
Repressing Emotions Hurts Us
Repressing or trying to squash our emotions produces negative
consequences in our lives. We are the ones who suffer. When
we repress the negative emotions to keep from feeling the pain,
we miss out on the awareness that something inside needs
attention. That is what the negative emotions are telling us.
If we continue to ignore them, there will be unfortunate
consequences. Whatever is wrong inside will eventually come
to the surface in some fashion, because the problem inside will
become too large to ignore.
Ulcers, insomnia, and uncontrolled outbursts of anger are
common examples of this. When we do not allow emotions to
come "straight out" (listen to them and resolve them) as God
intended, they eventually come out "sideways" and produce
problems in our life.
The Paradox Of "Selfishness"
Some people believe it is "selfish" to seek to have their own
needs met. They believe that it is pleasing to God for them to
always give up their own needs for the benefit of others, and so
they believe it is a sin to seek to get their own needs met.
This belief brings about a paradox.
what seems so right (not being selfish) brings about failure.
What seems so wrong (getting their own needs met) would bring
about success.
needs scream at them for fulfillment. Met needs bring about
peace inside, freedom, and the ability to love others as they love
themselves.
The Role Of Positive Emotions
God gave us both positive and negative emotions. So far we
have been focusing on the negative ones. Remember, He made
the negative ones unpleasant so we would avoid whatever was
causing them.
The positive ones are also useful. God made them pleasant so
we would approach whatever causes them. They signal the
receipt of something good for us. When children need to be
held, they hold up their hands so that their parent will pick them
up and fill the need. Once they have been filled with the touch of
the parent, they are ready to get down and again explore the
world.
Knowing What We Need
Since we are needy creatures, it is important that we have a way
of knowing what is good for us so we can seek it out and receive
it. Feeling both positive and negative emotions is therefore
meant to be our way of navigating through life.
Unfortunately, when we repress our negative feelings, we lose
the good ones too. "The tragic thing about burying or
smothering negative feelings is that it doesn’t stop with them.
The good, positive ones get clobbered at the same time."
(Jacobs, p.25).
Jesus Felt His Emotions
The Bible describes Jesus as experiencing many emotions. He
was sad, He wept, He was angry, and He had compassion. We
are also instructed to experience emotions. We are given
permission to be angry, but we should not let it drive us into
sinning. We are encouraged to be joyful. We are told that we
can experience peace.
Can You Rely On Your Emotions?
It may shock you to know that your emotions are always
100% accurate. Your emotions are not sometimes accurate, or
often accurate. They are always accurate - - - in one way. They
always tell you exactly what is going on inside you.
Because of old wounds and the reactions that are triggered by
their presence, our emotions may not be an accurate measure of
what is going on outside of us.
For instance, I might feel rejected by the host at a party, only to
find out later he liked me! My emotion was not an accurate
indicator of what was happening in my relationship with the host
at the party (what was happening outside me).
What Was Going On Inside Me
Nevertheless, the feeling was giving me very important
information about what was happening inside me. In this
situation, my emotion was saying I have an old root of bitterness
that was triggered when I felt rejected. I need to know this so
that I can find the old root of rejection and be healed.
Whenever my emotions are not appropriate to the
circumstances, this is an important clue that there is a wound
inside me that needs to be taken care of. In these situations, if I
blame others, or circumstances, or if I dismiss my emotions as
undesirable, I rob myself of the opportunity of seeing that I have
a wound inside me. Then I miss out on the opportunity of being
healed.
My emotion was my friend giving me important information about
what was going on inside me.
Leave No Negative Emotion
Unexamined
Be aware that subtle negative emotions also give you important
information. The walk of constantly listening to your negative
emotions should not be limited to "nuclear blasts." In fact, the
majority of negative emotions that you feel will be fairly mild.
For instance, you may be a bit irritated because your wife left the
top off the toothpaste tube, but you may not be so angry as to
start an argument.
The Small Emotions Count
Nevertheless, this emotion is still a signal that you judged her,
and so you need to pray. Otherwise these little bitter roots will
accumulate (a bundle of bitter roots will be forming in your
heart), and at some point you may explode at her over something
minor.
For most of us, these sorts of mild reactions happen many times
a day, and we therefore need to pray many times a day. If we do
this we don't have to carry the burden of those sinful reactions,
because Jesus takes them. We then experience the rest that
Jesus promised.
A Strange Language
If you have not been listening to what your emotions are telling
you, their "language" will likely be strange to you.
Our parents were supposed to teach us how to understand this
language. If they didn't (and mine sure didn't, because they
didn't know it themselves), and if we have been running from our
emotions, we are probably not very adept at describing how we
feel.
Describing Feelings
Saying, "I feel like he doesn't listen to me" is not a feeling. It is a
conclusion. Saying "I feel unimportant," or "I feel lonely," are
descriptions of emotions.
If you have difficulty describing what you are feeling, the list of
negative and positive emotions referred to at the end of this
chapter may help you put a name to what you are feeling.
We need to learn this language so that we can understand what
our emotions are telling us, and thus to benefit from the
information.
Summary
Our "feelings" are special, wonderful gifts that God has given to
us so that we can know the conditions that exist inside us.
These messages are our helpers, and we need to listen to them.
Our "bad emotions" are not sin. They are simply the message
system God gave us to alert us to when all is not well inside us,
when something needs attention. We may have an unmet need,
or we may have a root of bitterness inside.
It is important for us to "leave no negative emotion unexamined,"
because our negative emotions always tell us accurately when
there is a root of sin hidden inside us.
The living God has provided the way to fix all these things by
washing away our sin. He also wants to walk with us in our
Treasure Inside to show us what He wants to heal inside us.
Our positive emotions are also important. They are enjoyable
and fun, and they will also guide us into those things that
minister to us. Each of us is a unique person who finds
fulfillment in unique ways, and the positive emotions are the
signposts directing us to our fulfillment. In addition, these good
feelings are a reward for achieving cleansing from our sins, and
obtaining fulfillment of our needs.
You are free to come and go from the website as you
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Complete Your Journey
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Rest."
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Copyright 2003 Edward Kurath
Emotions
Depression
Depression is without a doubt one of the most frightening and
painful emotions a person can experience. It is so overwhelming
because it is a signal telling you that there is a major wound
inside you that needs healing.
The difficulty usually is that you have no idea what that wound
could be. You may not even be aware that anything traumatic
has happened to you in the past.
But rest assured that the awful feelings are telling you the truth.
Contrary to what many believe, emotions are not random or
meaningless. They are a God given signal system that tells us
exactly what is going on inside us. Our problem is that nobody
taught us how to understand the language of the signal system.
My parents didn't have a clue about emotions. Their way of
handling them was to avoid them as much as possible. To them
emotions were considered to be intrusive and bothersome, and
the idea was to ignore them.
Consequently, I have had to learn the "language" as an adult.
A special note: Since I have taken you directly to
Chapter 11 of my book, "I Will Give You Rest,"
bypassing Chapters 2 through 10, in this chapter you
may encounter some concepts or terms that were
discussed in the prior chapters. However, this should
not inhibit the following information from being
meaningful to you.
How We Cope
We all have developed ways of dealing with our negative
emotions by trial and error. We try something and it brings a bit
of relief, so we add that to our repertoire as a way to deal with
such unpleasant moments in the future.
Still, for most of us our emotions are a bit mysterious, and we
don't know what to do with them. Likely we have only been
modestly successful in dealing with them.
One Way Is To Ignore Them
As a child I learned to avoid my negative emotions if at all
possible. My experience is not unusual, because our culture
(and unfortunately some of the Church) say that our emotions
are unreliable. Regardless of how we try to ignore them, they
persist. They come and go in a seemingly mysterious way, in a
way that we do not find ourselves able to adequately control.
Negative emotions are a "problem" we all share.
What Are Emotions?
Are emotions simply random? Are they unpredictable? Did God
make a mistake when He gave them to us? Or were they useful
before Adam and Eve sinned but are now corrupted by The
Fall? Are some of them “bad?" Is it a sin to feel selfish? Is it a
sin to feel jealous? Is it a sin to feel angry?
I have a burglar alarm in my home. On a couple of occasions I
have accidentally set if off, and the sound the loud speaker made
was ear splitting. The pain was unbearable. I had to do
something right away to escape the pain. So I plugged my ears
with my fingers and went to the keypad and entered the code.
Then the alarm immediately stopped, so the pain stopped.
Ways To Stop The Pain
But what would I do if I didn’t know the code? My fingers in my
ears were only mildly successful in reducing the pain, so I would
have to do something else. I could leave and wait outside until
the noise stopped (and the police came). Or I could find the
loudspeaker and cover it over with something. That would likely
not work any better than covering my ears. Better yet, I could cut
the wire to the loud speaker. That would stop the noise.
The purpose of the alarm was to make known an intrusion into
my house. If the alarm had been set off by a burglar instead of by
me, that would be important information. If a burglar entered and
I did not have an alarm, something really bad might happen.
The Pain Has A Purpose
The burglar alarm was purposely designed to be impossible to
ignore, because it is important that the "intrusion" stop. The
neighbors and the police need to be alerted, and the intruder
needs to know they have been discovered so they will stop
doing their dirty work.
Our negative emotions are like that. Some of our emotions are
“ear-splittingly” hurtful, because they are giving us very
important information that we must not ignore. For instance,
when you are in front of a group of people and you tell a joke and
nobody laughs, you may feel a strong rush of shame, and your
face may turn red.
Or suppose a large dog rushes towards you, growling and
showing its teeth. You will likely feel a large surge of fear go
through you. Fortunately not all our negative emotions are that
severe. God designed them to be proportional to the bad news
they are giving us.
Pleasant Emotions
You also have pleasant emotions which were given to you so
that you would be attracted to whatever is making you feel
good. What makes you feel good are the things that fulfill the
many needs you have, such as the need for love, affirmation,
sex, etc.
"Feelings" and "Emotions"
We receive various signals from our Treasure Inside to our
Head. Some of these signals relate to the physical status of our
body, and some of them relate to our psychological/spiritual
status.
When I use the term "feelings," I am including both categories.
When I use the term "physical sensations" I am referring to the
physical signals, and when I use the term "emotions" I am
referring to the psychological/spiritual signals.
"Emotions" can be telling us about unmet psychological needs
("I need a hug"), or the presence of a root of sin, usually a Bitter
Root Judgment.
"Physical sensations" and "emotions have a great deal in
common, and the purpose of all of our "feelings" is to make us
consciously aware of something that is going on below our level
of consciousness. Most of us do not have difficulty
understanding our "physical sensations (for instance I am
thirsty, or my feet hurt), but our problems tend to relate to
misunderstanding our "emotions."
Because of the similarities between "physical sensations" and
"emotions," I will often use parallels between them to clarify a
point I am making about "emotions."
Feelings Are Indispensible
If God had not given your "feelings" to you, you would not have
any way of knowing the status of what is going on inside of you.
You would not know what your needs are, and so you would
have no way of fulfilling them. If you did not feel thirst, you
would not drink something, and then you would die.
Our Attempts At Bringing Peace
As a child I knew what to do when I had a physical need. When I
was thirsty, I got a drink. However, I didn't now the “code” to
turn off the emotional pain. When strong negative emotions
came to me I had to find a way to reduce the pain. It was as if I
started out by "plugging my ears" (I tried to ignore the
message).
Since that was only modestly helpful, I searched for a more
effective means. I could not "leave," because the noise was in
me. So eventually I "cut the wire" (I made an Inner Vow not to
hear), and then the pain stopped.
Unfortunately, then the "intrusion" (the cause of the emotional
pain) had not been fixed, and so the "burglar" had not been dealt
with. Cutting the wire, or anything else I would do to reduce my
sensitivity to my negative emotions, had bad side effects. Not
hearing the alarm going off, I would not know when a "burglar"
came inside and was doing his destructive work.
An Illustration
"Physical Sensations," since they are messages from the
Treasure Inside, can illustrate the extreme consequences that
can come from not physical pain.
When I was a boy I had a friend whose father had experienced a
stroke, and he had lost the feeling on one side of his body. One
day my friend and his father and I were standing in their
basement and we smelled something burning. It was his father’s
hand! He was leaning against the furnace.
Since he could not feel the heat, he did not withdraw his hand,
and he was badly burned. The physical pain that I feel when I
touch something hot is my friend, because it motivates me to
stop the pain. I quickly remove my hand from the hot surface,
and thus I limit the damage to my body. Physical pain is my
friend.
Emotional Pain Is My Friend
My emotional pain is just like that. Bad things happen when I
can no longer clearly hear my negative emotions, because I have
built The Wall inside. Then, when something bad would happen
inside, I would not know about it. Using my metaphor, because I
do not know the "burglar" is there, he is free to do his damaging
work inside. I would not know about his presence until there
had been so much damage that I could no longer ignore it.
Unmet Needs Accumulate
Tom had daily frustrations with his boss. His boss always talked
down to him and made him feel small. Tom had not had a raise
in years, and yet the boss would give him so much to do that he
would have to take work home at night.
But Tom did not know when he was angry because he had built
The Wall, and he did not feel these moments of anger. His heart
was filling up with bitterness, but he was not aware of it. After he
would get home from work, his wife would do some little thing
that irritated him, and he would explode with anger at her.
She did not just receive Tom's reaction to what she just did, but
she also received the entire load that had been building up
inside Tom towards his boss. It was like an avalanche. One
small disturbance was the trigger, and all the "snow" that had
accumulated came surging down in one deluge and buried her.
Ski areas understand avalanches. They know that if they can
keep the snow from accumulating on the mountain slopes above
them they can prevent an avalanche. So they regularly set off
small explosive charges in the snow to bring down small snow
slides that are harmless. In this way they prevent huge buildups
of snow that would inevitably come down in a devastating rush.
Don't Allow Them To Accumulate
In the same way, Tom needed to listen to, and learn to recognize,
every surge of anger that he felt. Then he could pray about it
immediately and avoid the "accumulation" that would otherwise
eventually (and inevitably) come out as outbursts of rage.
If there is not an "accumulation" inside him, when people irritate
him they only receive the reaction that relates to that single
transgression, not his pent up reactions to all the other
accumulated hurts inside him.
We Are Needy
We are needy creatures. God made us that way. We need love,
we need water, we need sleep, we need exercise, etc.
There is nothing "selfish" about getting our legitimate needs met
in a legitimate way. When our legitimate needs are not met, we
are "hungry" and settle for meeting our needs in any way we
can, perhaps including "illegitimate" ways, or groveling for
whatever "crumbs" we can find.
For example, at this moment if I were to hand you a dirty, smelly
glass of water, you would likely say, "No thank you," because
you aren't that thirsty. However, if you had been wandering in
the Sahara Desert for three days with no water, and then I offered
you the dirty glass of water, you would eagerly snatch it from me
and instantly consume it. Why? You would drink it because
your need had become so great.
That is what happens when we deny our legitimate needs (or
perhaps are unaware of them because we have ignored them for
so long). We become so empty inside that we are driven to
accept inappropriate substitutes to stop the screams coming up
from inside us.
The "Code"
To appropriately end the turmoil of our negative emotions, we
need to know how God intended for us to eliminate the pain,
rather than to cover it up. He intended for us to eliminate the
pain by addressing the cause of the pain.
When we have a toothache, we can take a pain killer, or we can
have the tooth fixed. When the tooth is "fixed," the pain stops.
Remember that emotional pain relates either to unmet
psychological needs or to roots of sin that exist inside.
Eliminating Emotional Pain
There are therefore two things we need to know about
eliminating our emotional pain.
- 1. We need to listen to the pain rather than run from it.
This way we can discover what it is telling us. When our
tooth hurts, we know something is wrong with our tooth,
rather than our foot.
2. Then we need to address the cause of the pain by
applying the appropriate "cure." We need to have our tooth
fixed by a dentist.
especially regarding the roots of sin. But it is possible to learn
how do both, and therefore, it is possible to eliminate the cause
of our emotional pain so that the pain will stop.
Understanding The Language Of
Our Emotions
God gave us our "emotions," and He intended for them to be
useful to us. It is therefore possible to learn this mysterious
language that our Treasure Inside speaks to us. In later chapters
I will go into more detail about learning this language, but here I
want to point out a few important characteristics of our
"emotions."
- 1. A negative emotion may be telling us of an unmet
appropriate emotional need. If that need is met in an
appropriate way, the negative emotion will go away and will
likely be replaced by an emotion that feels good. We have
received what we needed. For instance James, who is a
little boy, needs a hug. The parent picks him up and holds
him. The negative emotion will likely be replaced with a
good feeling of satisfaction, which tells James he is no
longer needy. Now he is ready to be put down and again
explore the world.
2. A negative emotion may be telling us about a root of
sin that we have just planted inside. These events cause
us the most difficulty, and are the most mysterious to us. If
unresolved, such a root will cause problems in our life (See
Chapter 2 about the laws of God).
3. The emotional pain may also be telling us about an
older root that we have not yet eliminated. In this case the
current event has touched this old root and triggered a
response from it. It is like stubbing your toe. When you
first injure it, there is pain. But until it heals, it seems as
though you are constantly hitting it on something. Actually,
you are probably not again hitting it hard enough to injure it
further, but the toe is hyper-sensitive to pain. It is hyper-
sensitive because of the previous injury. Therefore, one
symptom of the presence of an old root deep inside us is
when a small situation triggers a big response, a response
that is out of proportion to what just happened. This is
what happened to Tom in the previous example. His
previous Bitter Root Judgments accumulated and
eventually he exploded in anger at his wife.
4. All negative "feelings," both physical and emotional,
are proportional to the need. The more urgent or important,
the more intense is the pain. If I have a slight discomfort in
my tooth, I can take my time about getting it fixed. If the
pain is intense, I need to get to the dentist immediately. I
can't stand to wait! That is exactly why God designed
feelings this way. The intense pain tells me there is a
serious problem that needs immediate treatment, and the
pain motivates me to take action now. I find myself unable
to postpone getting treatment.
5. The language of our "emotions" is not a language
like English, or Spanish. It is made up of little sensations
which are specific to the nature of the hurt. I will ask clients
how they feel about something, for instance how their
husband treats them. Often the response is something like,
"I feel as though he doesn't listen to me." This is not an
emotion. This is an analysis. The emotion would be
something like: "I feel abandoned, unimportant, demeaned,
alone." If this concept is new to you, or if you are not used
to naming your feelings, see Endnote #11-1 for a list of
"feeling" words. You will find these lists useful in helping
you to describe what you are feeling at a given moment.
Eliminating The Cause Of The Pain
Therefore, if there is a Bitter Root Judgment planted inside us,
our negative emotions are our friend telling us about this
problem. What do we do in response to the negative emotion
(the "alarm" going off)? We need to key in the "code."
When the cause of the alarm is sin, there is only one "code" that
works. The "code" that God has provided is the provision for
the washing away of our sin through the forgiveness provided
by the sacrifice of Jesus.
This Way Works
This "code" works. When we forgive and are forgiven, the
negative emotion stops. It stops because the wound that the
pain was warning us about has been healed. The sin has been
washed away, and Jesus has come into that place in our heart.
The "burglar" is now gone. Jesus' provision truly is Good News!
When I was angry with the other driver who didn't go through the
green light, I had judged him. I needed to take care of that as
soon as I could, immediately if possible. That way I could catch
the "burglar" before he had a chance to do any damage.
My Emotions Are My Guide
After I pray, if I still find myself agitated, especially if my anger is
extreme and is contaminating my day, I need to look for a long
buried root of sin. Perhaps I had judged my parents for never
paying attention to my needs.
Even worse, perhaps I judged myself as being unworthy to have
my needs met by others; and therefore it is left up to me to take
care of myself.
Certainly, it is true that the other driver was not sensitive to my
needs, and it was his behavior that touched that wound deep
inside me. But it wasn't what he did that was the problem.
What planted the bitter root was my reaction to what he did.
Feeling the emotion gives me an opportunity to face what I did
and thus to be set free from the consequences of the bitter root.
It Is Complicated,
And Yet Simple
The code to my home burglar alarm is simple, but this “code” to
end my negative emotions appropriately is complex. It is
complex because many of the old roots of bitterness are deeply
buried and I have forgotten about them. I cannot remember
many of them myself. It is therefore too complex for me to
understand.
But it is not too complicated for Jesus, and He will lead me in this
process of finding the bitter roots and being healed. I may also
need another person to walk through this with me, such as a
trusted friend, or a counselor.
I Need To Listen Inside
I also need to listen to my Treasure Inside, who is telling me what
is wrong inside.
Ideally, teaching me how to listen to my emotion and to then pray
was the job assigned to my parents. In my own childhood, my
parents were as ignorant about this as I, so there was no way for
them to teach me. In fact, they did the opposite of facilitating my
ability to hear my Treasure Inside.
They wounded me and I built The Wall, which reduced my innate
ability to hear my emotions. Unfortunately, many parents are
unable to mentor their children in order to help them hear what is
going on in the Treasure Inside them.
It Is Never Too Late
If this is true of you, now as an adult you need to have The Wall
dismantled, and then to learn what your parents should have
taught you when you were very young --- how to understand the
valuable friend you have in your Treasure Inside. It is never too
late.
When I first realized how shut down I had been inside, I
questioned the Lord, "Why didn't I know this earlier?" I felt bitter
because I had to suffer for many years before I became aware of
the truth. But then I realized how blessed I was. Many people
never learn about the "code," and they suffer for their whole life.
We are blessed to know this now.
Are “Bad” Emotions Sin?
Many of us have been taught that "bad" emotions are sin. For
instance we may have been taught that it is a sin to feel jealous.
However, it should now be clear to you that it is not a sin to feel
jealous. There is nothing wrong with that emotion, and so we do
not need to repent of feeling jealous. The emotion is simply the
message system. There is a sin present, but the sin is not the
feeling.
The Negative Emotion Guides Me
There is a root of bitterness inside us (planted by a sinful
reaction of judging), and we need to know about the presence of
this bitter root.
- • The judging was sin.
• The message (emotion) telling us this fact
is not sin.
that. This may sound like hair splitting, but there is a profound
difference between the feeling and the root.
The bitter root of sin exists, and the feeling is just the signal
telling us about the root. The signal is not sin, but rather it is just
our faithful messenger, our helper, and our friend.
Killing The Messenger
In ancient times, when a messenger brought bad news, the king
had the messenger killed. Of course, the problem wasn't the
messenger or the message he carried. The messenger was
simply a mechanism for informing the king of what was going on
elsewhere.
When something bad was happening elsewhere, the news was
bad. We now look at the king's response and see how ridiculous
that is. And yet that is exactly what we have done if we have
shut off our emotions because they are "bad."
Repressing Emotions Hurts Us
Repressing or trying to squash our emotions produces negative
consequences in our lives. We are the ones who suffer. When
we repress the negative emotions to keep from feeling the pain,
we miss out on the awareness that something inside needs
attention. That is what the negative emotions are telling us.
If we continue to ignore them, there will be unfortunate
consequences. Whatever is wrong inside will eventually come
to the surface in some fashion, because the problem inside will
become too large to ignore.
Ulcers, insomnia, and uncontrolled outbursts of anger are
common examples of this. When we do not allow emotions to
come "straight out" (listen to them and resolve them) as God
intended, they eventually come out "sideways" and produce
problems in our life.
The Paradox Of "Selfishness"
Some people believe it is "selfish" to seek to have their own
needs met. They believe that it is pleasing to God for them to
always give up their own needs for the benefit of others, and so
they believe it is a sin to seek to get their own needs met.
This belief brings about a paradox.
- 1. When these people thus try to always give up their
own needs, they become more needy inside, and thus more
focused on getting their unmet needs met. When they
ignore a need, the message from their Treasure Inside gets
louder and louder and eventually becomes difficult to
ignore. Thus they become highly motivated to fill the need.
They become more "selfish." To the degree they do
succeed in denying their own need, they experience the
unfortunate consequences which I have just listed ---- the
emotion comes out "sideways."
- 2. On the other hand, when they understand that they
have legitimate needs and recognize that the message
coming up from their Treasure Inside is their friend, they are
able to get the need met in an appropriate way. Because
the need is not yet so severe that it is screaming at them for
fulfillment, there is not an urgency about meeting the need.
They are then still in a position to be particular as to how
the need is met. They can thus succeed in having their
legitimate need met in a legitimate way. When their need is
met, they are no longer focused on themselves and are free
to give to others. They become less "selfish."
what seems so right (not being selfish) brings about failure.
What seems so wrong (getting their own needs met) would bring
about success.
needs scream at them for fulfillment. Met needs bring about
peace inside, freedom, and the ability to love others as they love
themselves.
The Role Of Positive Emotions
God gave us both positive and negative emotions. So far we
have been focusing on the negative ones. Remember, He made
the negative ones unpleasant so we would avoid whatever was
causing them.
The positive ones are also useful. God made them pleasant so
we would approach whatever causes them. They signal the
receipt of something good for us. When children need to be
held, they hold up their hands so that their parent will pick them
up and fill the need. Once they have been filled with the touch of
the parent, they are ready to get down and again explore the
world.
Knowing What We Need
Since we are needy creatures, it is important that we have a way
of knowing what is good for us so we can seek it out and receive
it. Feeling both positive and negative emotions is therefore
meant to be our way of navigating through life.
Unfortunately, when we repress our negative feelings, we lose
the good ones too. "The tragic thing about burying or
smothering negative feelings is that it doesn’t stop with them.
The good, positive ones get clobbered at the same time."
(Jacobs, p.25).
Jesus Felt His Emotions
The Bible describes Jesus as experiencing many emotions. He
was sad, He wept, He was angry, and He had compassion. We
are also instructed to experience emotions. We are given
permission to be angry, but we should not let it drive us into
sinning. We are encouraged to be joyful. We are told that we
can experience peace.
Can You Rely On Your Emotions?
It may shock you to know that your emotions are always
100% accurate. Your emotions are not sometimes accurate, or
often accurate. They are always accurate - - - in one way. They
always tell you exactly what is going on inside you.
Because of old wounds and the reactions that are triggered by
their presence, our emotions may not be an accurate measure of
what is going on outside of us.
For instance, I might feel rejected by the host at a party, only to
find out later he liked me! My emotion was not an accurate
indicator of what was happening in my relationship with the host
at the party (what was happening outside me).
What Was Going On Inside Me
Nevertheless, the feeling was giving me very important
information about what was happening inside me. In this
situation, my emotion was saying I have an old root of bitterness
that was triggered when I felt rejected. I need to know this so
that I can find the old root of rejection and be healed.
Whenever my emotions are not appropriate to the
circumstances, this is an important clue that there is a wound
inside me that needs to be taken care of. In these situations, if I
blame others, or circumstances, or if I dismiss my emotions as
undesirable, I rob myself of the opportunity of seeing that I have
a wound inside me. Then I miss out on the opportunity of being
healed.
My emotion was my friend giving me important information about
what was going on inside me.
Leave No Negative Emotion
Unexamined
Be aware that subtle negative emotions also give you important
information. The walk of constantly listening to your negative
emotions should not be limited to "nuclear blasts." In fact, the
majority of negative emotions that you feel will be fairly mild.
For instance, you may be a bit irritated because your wife left the
top off the toothpaste tube, but you may not be so angry as to
start an argument.
The Small Emotions Count
Nevertheless, this emotion is still a signal that you judged her,
and so you need to pray. Otherwise these little bitter roots will
accumulate (a bundle of bitter roots will be forming in your
heart), and at some point you may explode at her over something
minor.
For most of us, these sorts of mild reactions happen many times
a day, and we therefore need to pray many times a day. If we do
this we don't have to carry the burden of those sinful reactions,
because Jesus takes them. We then experience the rest that
Jesus promised.
A Strange Language
If you have not been listening to what your emotions are telling
you, their "language" will likely be strange to you.
Our parents were supposed to teach us how to understand this
language. If they didn't (and mine sure didn't, because they
didn't know it themselves), and if we have been running from our
emotions, we are probably not very adept at describing how we
feel.
Describing Feelings
Saying, "I feel like he doesn't listen to me" is not a feeling. It is a
conclusion. Saying "I feel unimportant," or "I feel lonely," are
descriptions of emotions.
If you have difficulty describing what you are feeling, the list of
negative and positive emotions referred to at the end of this
chapter may help you put a name to what you are feeling.
We need to learn this language so that we can understand what
our emotions are telling us, and thus to benefit from the
information.
Summary
Our "feelings" are special, wonderful gifts that God has given to
us so that we can know the conditions that exist inside us.
These messages are our helpers, and we need to listen to them.
Our "bad emotions" are not sin. They are simply the message
system God gave us to alert us to when all is not well inside us,
when something needs attention. We may have an unmet need,
or we may have a root of bitterness inside.
It is important for us to "leave no negative emotion unexamined,"
because our negative emotions always tell us accurately when
there is a root of sin hidden inside us.
The living God has provided the way to fix all these things by
washing away our sin. He also wants to walk with us in our
Treasure Inside to show us what He wants to heal inside us.
Our positive emotions are also important. They are enjoyable
and fun, and they will also guide us into those things that
minister to us. Each of us is a unique person who finds
fulfillment in unique ways, and the positive emotions are the
signposts directing us to our fulfillment. In addition, these good
feelings are a reward for achieving cleansing from our sins, and
obtaining fulfillment of our needs.
You are free to come and go from the website as you
desire, and you can jump back in where you left off by
clicking on the appropriate chapter in the list on the left
of the web pages.
Complete Your Journey
What you have been reading is from my book, "I Will Give You
Rest."
If what you have been reading on this website has been helpful to
you, you should get the rest of the story.
Only about half of the contents of the book are posted on the
website.
Buying and using the book will be one of the best investments of
$21 you have ever made. And you can return it for a full refund if
it doesn't measure up to your expectations.
Click here to buy the book.
We want everyone to experience the freedom Jesus
promised!
If you can not afford to buy a copy, e-mail us your situation and
we will consider sending you a free copy.
Copyright 2003 Edward Kurath
Divinely Designed
Being changed into the image of Jesus
Being changed into the image of Jesus
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